How to improve your emotional intelligence: 4 skills and simple habits

What we mean by emotional intelligence

The idea was introduced by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1990 and became widely known through popular books a few years later. Definitions differ, but most include four abilities: understanding your own emotions, managing them, understanding other people's emotions, and handling relationships well. The TraitMix emotional intelligence test measures these as four separate skills.

Because they are skills rather than fixed traits, they can be trained. Below are habits for each one. Pick the skill where you scored lowest and try two habits for a month.

1. Self-awareness: noticing what you feel

Many people only notice an emotion when it bursts out. Self-awareness is about catching it earlier.

• Use precise words. Instead of “bad”, try “disappointed”, “embarrassed” or “left out”. Research on emotion labelling suggests that naming a feeling precisely makes it easier to manage.
• Do a body check. Tight shoulders, a hot face or a clenched jaw often show up before the thought does.
• End the day with one line. Write down the strongest emotion you felt and what triggered it. Patterns appear within a couple of weeks.

2. Self-regulation: choosing your response

Regulation does not mean suppressing emotions. Bottling things up tends to backfire. It means creating a gap between feeling and acting.

• Pause with your breath. Three slow breaths, with a longer out-breath than in-breath, buys you a few seconds.
• Reframe the story. Ask “What else could explain this?” A late reply from a friend is more often a busy day than a sign they are annoyed.
• Sleep on big messages. Draft the email if you need to, then send it tomorrow.

3. Empathy: reading other people

Empathy has two parts: understanding what someone feels and caring about it. Both improve when you pay attention.

• Ask, don't assume. “You seem quiet today, is everything all right?” is better than guessing.
• Reflect back. Summarise what someone said before replying: “So you felt your effort wasn't noticed.”
• Read beyond your circle. Novels, memoirs and conversations with people whose lives differ from yours stretch your sense of how others experience the world.

4. Social skill: handling relationships well

This skill brings the other three together. It shows most clearly in difficult conversations.

• Start softly. Begin a complaint with how you feel and what you need, not with what the other person always does wrong.
• Say the positive out loud. Specific thanks (“You handled that client brilliantly”) builds goodwill you will need later.
• Repair quickly. After a tense moment, a small gesture such as an apology, a joke or a cup of tea matters more than winning the point.

A four-week plan

Take the test again after the month. Self-reports move slowly, so even a small shift is meaningful. Better still, ask someone close to you whether they have noticed a difference.

Emotional skills in couples and teams

When two people's skills differ, the same arguments repeat. A partner high in empathy but low in regulation may sense tension instantly but explode; a partner with steady regulation but low empathy may stay calm and still miss what is wrong. Comparing results helps you each see your part. For the next step, read the five conflict styles.

Frequently asked questions